juggling between jealousy and fear, with hate along the way

Assalamualaikum..

as usual, my post uses certain code that makes it only readable by only few of the readers that really knew me. i dont need to privatize my blog but i use language that requires a deciphering act of people with IQ higher that 140. (i'm a 120)

i found jealousy for a long time already. jealousy had been a mystery to me. but after a few years of tracking down the jealousy that builds inside me, im starting to knew jealousy better.
however, with jealousy attached to lust, its far too difficult to gain jealousy without lust along the way. without lust, i'll be naive. but hope there is for jealousy and my temptation and this fact is supported by our anxiety. yes, its hope. for jealousy. as my distance from jealousy makes heart grew fonder.

as fonder as how it would be, fear came to this alone temptation. why is it that fear has to come from all the darkness that i felt before, as it lights the dark as if righteous is here. the fear that comes and softly it crouches towards this temptation. while fear makes self does tons of mistakes for the spontaneous movement that had been done. why is it even wrong to make action while in fear? then the soul now really needs to cool down as fear has made a lot of problem towards temptation. or is temptation made the mistakes? why is it even called mistakes and mishaps at the first place?

while juggling jealousy and fear is like juggling swords with fire, a hell kind of measures need to be well prepared as in any moment, any which, could fell while it juggles up high in the air. the higher we juggle, the heavier the consequences would be if we mishandle them. and the result would be, a heart that is tore apart and blood that turns like oil burning the whole body as it splatters and ooze from the veins. an explosion. this is the part where temptation says shit!.

but its not the case yet, the game became more exciting when hate comes. hate, as a single adjective like jealousy and fear, would somehow pushes any of the swords that had been juggled. as jealousy and fear already cause enough, and yet hatred comes along the way. its either temptation that held in has to reject jealousy that lives, or fear would develop to a fire that burns.

jealousy, fear, hate. to get fear, we should develop hatred. to be jealous, it doesn't need neither hate nor fear. it only requires anxiety that develops a little bit everyday.





in the end, all of us would be confused with the adjectives that we wish that it wouldn't even exist. but hey, they spice up our temptation.