Monday, November 9, 2009

juggling between jealousy and fear, with hate along the way

Assalamualaikum..

as usual, my post uses certain code that makes it only readable by only few of the readers that really knew me. i dont need to privatize my blog but i use language that requires a deciphering act of people with IQ higher that 140. (i'm a 120)

i found jealousy for a long time already. jealousy had been a mystery to me. but after a few years of tracking down the jealousy that builds inside me, im starting to knew jealousy better.
however, with jealousy attached to lust, its far too difficult to gain jealousy without lust along the way. without lust, i'll be naive. but hope there is for jealousy and my temptation and this fact is supported by our anxiety. yes, its hope. for jealousy. as my distance from jealousy makes heart grew fonder.

as fonder as how it would be, fear came to this alone temptation. why is it that fear has to come from all the darkness that i felt before, as it lights the dark as if righteous is here. the fear that comes and softly it crouches towards this temptation. while fear makes self does tons of mistakes for the spontaneous movement that had been done. why is it even wrong to make action while in fear? then the soul now really needs to cool down as fear has made a lot of problem towards temptation. or is temptation made the mistakes? why is it even called mistakes and mishaps at the first place?

while juggling jealousy and fear is like juggling swords with fire, a hell kind of measures need to be well prepared as in any moment, any which, could fell while it juggles up high in the air. the higher we juggle, the heavier the consequences would be if we mishandle them. and the result would be, a heart that is tore apart and blood that turns like oil burning the whole body as it splatters and ooze from the veins. an explosion. this is the part where temptation says shit!.

but its not the case yet, the game became more exciting when hate comes. hate, as a single adjective like jealousy and fear, would somehow pushes any of the swords that had been juggled. as jealousy and fear already cause enough, and yet hatred comes along the way. its either temptation that held in has to reject jealousy that lives, or fear would develop to a fire that burns.

jealousy, fear, hate. to get fear, we should develop hatred. to be jealous, it doesn't need neither hate nor fear. it only requires anxiety that develops a little bit everyday.





in the end, all of us would be confused with the adjectives that we wish that it wouldn't even exist. but hey, they spice up our temptation.

20 comments:

anak ibu said...

tept, post ko neh ape kena mngene lak ngan gamba org men 3 kayu api toh??
ko jeles ngan dia eh sbb ko x leh buat mcm tu..

anwar azhari said...

haha..
he's a clue for u to really understands the matter of adjectives that is currently happening to me.

Anonymous said...

"fear makes self does tons of mistakes for the spontaneous movement that had been done"

coz in fear...brain re useless...
heart rules...

cth: sudden attack of so called 'lonely' wat ko scroll phonebook n send msg tanpa bepikir...

bila appear...

"message delivered"

baru nak nyesal....
'ishh! knape la aku carik die?'

but what hurt the most is when the person recieve the msg dont even bother to reply...

thannnnn.....THAT will make us feel stupid!

damn!

anwar azhari said...

hahaa..

i agree with u bro/sis..

i agree tht brain r useless in smtimes n its our heart tht makes d decision.

y does d heart was even there to make d decision n yet, make mistakes n mishaps.

but d thing bout d non-reply thing, maybe a more appropriate action was suppose 2 take place.

Anonymous said...

hoho

khairi said...

tk paham. IQ aku rendah. =(

anwar azhari said...

tp lg tinggi dr ak sendri kot..

kalo ko faham ak lebeh (mcm kerol pijai) tentu ko leh decipher ngan mudah..

Anonymous said...

more appropriate actn like?
ak x brape nak paham part tu..

anwar azhari said...

an action that wudnt make us think tht ourself is stupid after me made tht action.

n of course we gotta learn evryday 2 b more appropiate. learn from past mistakes n from others mistakes.

if and only if we had made a stupid action, try to cover it up by having a plus point back. as so negative wud be turn to neutral. n it wudnt be so bad, n we wudnt b so mad to ourself.

007 said...

Wow! secret code.... let me try to decipher this things......

anwar azhari said...

please do ur best n good luck..!!

Anonymous said...

ok...but still..
it was a stupid act...
and 4 me..da best way to stop dis mistake is just delete dat person phone number...selesai...
so..bila scroll phone book x jumpa la no. phone tu..
n means no more msg to dat person..
*sigh...aku mmg hopeless bab2 terus terang nih...

*

miss barbie_sakura293 said...

thanks!
really appreciate it!

=)

anwar azhari said...

argh.. damn..

its like ur running away from a problem. thts d kind of stuff a gentleman neva does.

stood for whut u believe in. n stand on tht ground. i fu believe in him/her, then work it.!

*my advice kind of a generalised one cuz we'r writing in public n frankly i dunnoe who u r..*


Miss barbie:

U'r welcome.. im honoured to help.

Anonymous said...

ya...talk is easier than done...
i've been waiting for a solid 8 YEARS for crying out loud!
and still nothing...
maybe because dat paticular person dunno dat i'm waiting..
and i don't have any courage to be honest and tell dat person face to face...
but..damn! i've gave so much clue and hint..
but still...arghhh!!!

so slow to deciphere!

and still i wanna hold to that person...

maybe sampai dia married...
then...i will give up...
*

anwar azhari said...

r u waiting for the clouds to fall to the ground?
for your sake, let me tell u that everybody is looking at the sky, wishing that they could grab it.
and for at least 1 second i want u to think, how many clues wud the clouds get? millions. but is there any person who jumped to the cloud and grab them? NONE.

clues are nothing. u dun hav the courage to face her, its like everyone else that is afraid to jump to reach the clouds above.
make ur jump..! reach out the sky and grab it..! u cant settle on 2nd best. u gotta grab that cloud u r looking at. when im saying make ur jump is, for u, to tell him/her, that u LOVE him/her.

give her as much clue. its not like she wud somehow THINK to decipher ur thoughts even though they might be OBVIOUS, but hey, he/she needs the truth. the truth in which they wud see if and only if that u r really into him/her.

how can he/she tell that u r not just playing with their feeling with all of those clue? give as much clue as u want. all of them wud end up by "is he serious about this? or is he just playing with me?"

so get up, get out, and make ur bloody f***in jump..!!

its for YOUR sake.

Anonymous said...

like i told ya...easy talk than done...
what if that person is type "from heaven" which i mean dont even bother bout diz lovey dovey thingy! and treat everybody as their friends!
if and only if that person know that i'm into him/her...and they still ignore...that gonna hurt me more!
how am i gonna grab the cloud but at the same time the cloud re too high to be reached...

and i dont think GIRLs suppose to make the first move...
*

anwar azhari said...

hahaaaa..

i tell u haa.. evenn if ur d type heaven also, u gotta hav d attraction 2 gurls u knoe. hati batu dowh kalo x de attraction kat gurls.

deep in his heart, there is this strong little attraction to the gurl he adore. ckp la sape pn. even if he is a nerd or geek or like u said "heaven" type, tht dun mind this realtionship thing, he still hav d attraction.

as for so,
just wait lah. if he is heaven type then u shud be one too lah.
heaven for heaven. its equality that Allah had promise us.

and for he is heaven type then he need to keep his place. x leh la nk kaple2.. n for so, x de la dye nih heaven type tht u r attraced in d 1st place right?

**sorry for d manglish use**

Anonymous said...

Talking bout jealousy.
Why da real reason for having such kind of dat feeling. huhu..
Especially in a relationship.

Sye bru lpas break up dgan bf, itu pun sebab dier yang mntak. And then, when Im being close with a guy friend, dier marah-marah. And dier ckap dier jealous.

Whats the point? He doesnt want me. But he didnt allow me to start a new relationship.

Anonymous said...

yea...i do hve same point as u lah...
me just need to wait...
n just wait...'
if we ment 4 each other..
then we should be together
InsyaAllah...
pray for us..
n the love yg ak juangkan...

*